INTERRACIAL EDITION:
- Being in a relationship with a person of color is NOT a free pass to appropriate their culture.
- You are not “woke” just because you are in a relationship with a POC. There is no badge. There is no trophy.
- More than likely, the POC(s) in the relationship are still working through their own racial traumas and triggers. It is important to create a safe listening space for difficult emotions.
- LISTENING means taking the time to really see and hear your partner. There will be things that are going to hurt them more than it hurts you that could take some understanding, and vice versa.
- Always check your privilege and how this applies to your relationship. Understand the privileges that you may have and the ones your partner may lack, and vice versa.
- While listening to each other, simple validating phrases can be a beautiful thing. Phrases like “I can see why you feel that way,” or “I know this is a hard thing to talk about, and I am right here with you,” are always nice to hear.
- Although you have done a wonderful job listening and empathizing with your partner, it does not mean that you too have lived the experiences they have shared with you.
- Strive to make each other laugh every day. Find the boisterous joys! The world can be bleak, and minorities hold a lot of pain on their shoulders. Give each other some free medicine and laugh.
- Communication is key, and this can start by asking each other questions as simple as “How can I be there for you?” or “What do you need in this moment?”
- Always remember that a relationship is about you and your partner working together. One person should not feel like they are pulling the load.
- If suddenly in the bedroom you are feeling racially fetishized, overly sexualized or objectified in a way that makes you feel uncomfortable, it is your right to say something. You deserve control.
- Often times as POCs, we feel simplified to objects of race. It is okay to not want to talk about race for a day or two. Maybe three! Digging into these traumas and having to constantly explain/relive them is exhausting.
- BOUNDARIES! ARE! AWESOME! And healthy!
- Steps to create boundaries include: Defining your limits, listening to your feelings and identifying your wants.
- Signs of healthy boundaries include: Saying “no” without guilt, not feeling responsible for someone else’s happiness and taking responsibility of your own, and feeling safe to have disagreements and difficult emotions.
- Some say that arguments are healthy, but there are more adequate ways to communicate something frustrating than a yelling match.
- Arguments DO NOT EQUAL Passion. If an argument is the only place that you find a fire in your relationship, you need to reevaluate it.
- Imagining your partner meeting your family can be nerve-wracking. Tip/example for said partner: If you are going to act DRASTICALLY different when meeting my white side of the family vs. the black side, I’m going to notice and it will be weird for all of us.
- On the other hand, meeting your partner’s family is nerve-wracking as well. Know that there is little likelihood you are about to enter the plot of Get Out, but if somebody’s mom starts a deep conversation with you while hypnotically stirring her tea in fine china, seriously… get out. (And if you haven’t seen that movie, you need too!)
- Effort is important and should never fade away. Even if you have been together for a long time and are comfortable, you need to still show up for each other.
- Love big because life takes and takes with little forgiveness.
- Last but not least, you deserve that love, baby! Better yet, you deserve beautiful, healthy, flowing, supportive L-O-V-E. Don’t settle because you don’t think you deserve anything less than magic.